The Rules To Love: Preventing Affairs

 

The Rules To Love: Preventing Affairs

Each week, I sit down to answer my weekly batch of requests for advice. Within a few moments I will invariably unearth the most common relationship problem I’ve encountered in my time at Lovingyou.com. Wondering what that could be? It seems that over two-thirds of the lovesick and forlorn have problems staying faithful to their partner. I don’t mean actual intercourse affairs, but rather what I’d like to refer to as the silent killer, affairs of the heart.

Discovering this fact is not what is most disconcerting to me. The real problem I have is that it is a very rare encounter when someone will actually give this extra-relationship interest the proper weight it deserves. No one seems to ever connect their relationship problems with the fact they have begun an outside interest. It seems impossible to me to be able to ignore the fact that if you are having problems AND you feel you are, or may be, interested in someone else that there is some type of correlation. Usually, you’ll find the reason for the problems in the current relationship are BECAUSE of the extra-interest. Not the other way around as so many would like to convince themselves is true.

I could truly go on a very self-indulgent rant on this issue, but that won’t change the current climate of romance. What will is a recognized and followed agreement to adhere to some particular procedure when it comes to matters of the unfaithful heart. You can’t always control your heartstrings when they are being pulled in a different direction. But, you can make sure you are keeping your love affairs ethical and distinguished, something severely lacking in relationships in this era.

So, I propose a solution for tender hearts everywhere, the “Rules of Love for Preventing Affairs.” It incorporates all of the advice I have been giving for the last six years on this site regarding affairs. I believe one of the best ways to be happy is to know you’ve taken preventative measures against unhappiness. Knowing how you or your partner will behave in a certain situation gives you a certain sense of confidence and freedom in your relationship that many don’t experience.

With your partner, talk about the following steps and how you feel about them. Is there anything you would add to them? Can you both agree to follow them? If not, why? The important thing is to talk and find something you both agree on.

Finish this sentence as applies to your relationship:

Being involved with someone else means:
a) you are engaging in a physical intimate relationship with someone outside of your current one and/or
b) you are engaging in a mental intimate relationship with someone outside of your current one and/or
c) you have an emotional interest (from the past or present) towards someone outside of your current relationship.

RULES OF LOVE: AFFAIRS

Do NOT become involved with another person if you are currently committed to someone else. Don’t bend the situation to justify your actions. If the person you are with expects you to be with only them, then do that.

If you become interested in someone else:

1. Cease all contact with them until you have resolved the problems with your current relationship.
2. Find out why your interest towards your current partner has waned.
   a. Are you spending enough time with each other?
   b. Are you looking for an escape or a start over type relationship because of too much bad history?
   c. Has an outside interest allowed you to think less of your partner?
3. Decide whether this is repairable.
   a. Have you talked about your problems?
   b. Can you find a solution through an outside source?
4. If repairable, do what is necessary to properly fix your current problems and take measures to avoid them from happening again.
5. If not, repairable, leave your current relationship.
   a. Do not see the person you were interested in for at least 30 days after you are on your own again.
   b. If you still feel you may be truly interested in starting a relationship with this person make sure you take things slowly and that you have truly discovered what factors contributed to the demise of your previous relationships. You don’t need to keep making the same mistakes repetitively.

Star-Crossed

                                                   
                                                  
                                                                Star-Crossed


Dear ......

I do not know where to begin, so I guess this is just as good as any .... Right now I'm thinking about you, and it's funny how thoughts of you fill my day, my heart, and my mind. I know just like you know, that you love me. And it's crazy because I love you too. But, you have that person in your life, which you think is the one for you, but you and I both know that that person is not for you. You and I have connected on such a higher level, our souls have exchanged caresses and our hearts beats and I can't understand why you would value someone who will not give you forever.

I have tried to look at your situation as a friend and give you honest advice but it has gotten to the point where it is consuming me. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you. Everything that I feel runs so deep that I don't care about your past and all the things you've done that you feel you should be ashamed of, because it's unconditional and it will always be here for you. I don't want you to wake up days, months, or years from now, wondering what would have been or could have been. It just doesn't make any sense to me how you could waste so much time on someone who doesn't deserve you. I know I shouldn't cry, that I should be the strong woman that I put myself out there as, but you break me down to the deepest recesses of my soul. And once I bare myself to you without all the superficial, all the talk, you already know what lies underneath. I know you see the love that I feel for you, so why do you ignore it? It just hurts so much to have your everything see you as nothing. Maybe one day I'll be something to you.

Smitten With You

Smitten With You

Dear ..........                                                                                                                               

I am writing with the earnest prayer that my attention will meet favorably with you. I don't know quite where to begin. Let me start by saying, simply, I am smitten with you. Your coy smile that belies your seductive plan. The lips that kiss with such fervor that I fear my heart will beat out of my chest upon touching them to mine. The soft, sweet tongue that pulls me into that vortex of passion you generate from deep within. That luscious mane of hair that you toss so playfully. Your ... no, I've said enough. Nay, too much I fear. I've exposed my hidden self, opened him to you a bit more than I wished, but cannot stop.

I fear I must restrain further encounter or I will be incurably addicted to your potion of 'extreme' womanhood. That intoxicating elixir you've poured over me is slowly insinuating into my very pores.

From afar I've waited and just out of reach you kept yourself but now, with closeness of the most sublime, you are there. My arms vividly recall enfolding you, describing your body with sensations that still linger in a billion nerve endings. Your aroma, your taste, the smoothness of your bronzed skin, your laugh, the twinkle of your eyes, your energy transferred in ways you could never realize; it all is too much. You make me drunk and unable to use my senses correctly. I stumble, I stutter, I tremble in your presence; blinded by some ethereal aura that you radiate with such innocence and youthful unwariness.

I've said enough now. Please forgive my words if they offend or embarrass. I await your next syllable like the birds await spring.

Bridge Over Troubled Water

Dear............                                                                                                                                  

I know at times I act crazy and do stupid things. I know at times I get things started. I also know that even when we are arguing or mad at each other, we still love each other. Some people would say that we are not going to make it, if they could ever hear us argue because, well, we can get harsh, but they do not know us. Baby, nobody knows what I have had to do to get where I am. Nobody knows what you had to do to get where you are. Nobody knows us, except for us. Baby, nobody knows about the things in my past that I had to overcome to trust you. Nobody knows what you had to overcome. Nobody knows about how scared I was of you because of what one person did to me. So many people think that I am crazy for falling in love with you, but how can they judge someone that they do not know?

It mystifies me how so many people can try to tell me what I need when they do not even know me. It hurts that the people who are supposed to know me, try to take my happiness away. You know about my past, you know that I have a hard time trusting, and you know that at times it is hard for me to put my feelings into words. I know that we have problems, but we always work them out.

Everyone sees you as the person that you used to seem like, but you are far from it. You have treated me better than people that are in my family. You brighten my life. You are my life. Every promise that you have made me, you have kept. You always know when something is wrong and you always know what to do to cheer me up. You were there for me at the time that I needed you most. You were there when nobody else was. You were my bridge and my problems were my troubled water.

Baby, I am writing this to tell you that I love you more than anything and I would do anything to be with you for the rest of my life ... our life. Thank you for waiting for me - waiting for me to give my heart to you. Today, I want you to know that I am starting over ... we are starting over. I want us to be happy. I know that even the "best" couples have their problems, but I do not want our problems to hurt us in any way. I do not want my bridge to "fall." Baby, today I promise that I will do everything that I can to keep us together.

Reflections Of You

 

Dear ......                                                                                                                                            

Wow! So here I stand, among the digital masses. See, Ruth? We're not so different after all. Here I stand, surrounded by people who've met on-line, People who've loved and lost, and people who are found, and somehow, in a desperate world, found each other.

So what do I say that hasn't already been written, or been already said? Hmmm, pretty tough! Okay... try this: I no longer need to hope for love by going to clubs, (y'know I can't dance!) supermarkets, church socials, by passing notes in class as a kid, or instant messages as an adult. I don't have to search for love, in ads, on the internet, in chat rooms, text messages, camera phones, faxes, and e-mails. I don't have to wait for good and bad feedback, have to need a good laugh, wait to talk, be told to shut up, look for hope, pray for a miracle, wait for an angel, see hope for God's love here on earth, wish for a special friend, crave for love's passion, envy other's romance or wonder if someone will ever love me. You're here; I'm done.

Love always,

Love Is Magic

                                                           

Love Is Magic                                                                    

 

Dear........                                                                        

I wonder what would have become of me if you were not right with me. Your love is the sunshine that shines every day of my life; you are the rain that showers in my soul ... love is a magic; it works like a miracle. Your love is magic, I am so glad to be with you.

Love always,                                                                   

                                                         

                       Happy New Year, Baby!

Dear Heart of Mine,

I want to be at your side, to let go of the past with the passing of the old year and to embrace with you a future as we enter the new year. I want to forever be at your side, to love you and to argue with you, to laugh with you and to cry with you, to share with you and to dream with you. As we enter into a new phase in our lives, I want to be the one you love and make love to, as I will love you and make love to you. I want to be the one who cares for you when you're sick and to be the one you take care of.

As I do now, I will be the one who loves you like no other could ever possibly do. We share a connection that goes deeper than anyone has ever known. The road that we have walked together so far has not been an easy one, but you have proven to me, many times over, the kind of man that you are by walking it with me, at my side, spiritually if not physically. You have shown to me a commitment and devotion unequaled by any man. I want to give that back to you for the rest of our lives.

We will share in a life of passion and commitment and love unparalleled. We will cross the bridges of troubled waters together and we will laugh and play together under the sun for many years to come. Others will look at us and pray to one day find that kind of love. We will be the couple, who into their 80's (and beyond) who will still hold hands and share in a kiss in public. The love and devotion will shine around us like a beacon of hope for others.

I have given to you my love, my heart and my soul. I will give to you my life, my compassion and my spirit. Should ever you feel weak, lean on me and I will be your shelter from life's troubles. Should ever you feel sad, come to me and I will help you to smile again. Should ever you feel anger, bring it to me and I will help you to find the compassion and forgiveness in your soul. If ever you should feel lost or afraid, step into my arms and let me lead you home to my heart again. And from this night forward I will love you with all that I am or ever could be, for without you I am nothing.

You are the vastness in my universe. You are the sun and the light which guides me thru the darkest of times. You are the moon and the stars that lend me my dreams. You are my hope when all seems lost, and you are all that I could ever dream of. You are my heart my soul and my spirit.

As the old year ends and the new year begins, take all that I offer to you and hold it dear to you. Keep my heart safe within your soul as I will keep your heart safe within my own soul. From now until all life ends. You are me and I am you, together we are one and I will love you forever.

Love always,